Yesterday, I posted about finding the peace in today, not at all fictitious. But it was, I’ll remind you, yesterday. Here is the truth I discovered today:
Yesterday, the Christmas tree stood in the new center of our familiar home and the plan was to take it down and box up all its little decoration friends today, but the truth is, all that will have to wait until tomorrow, again.
Yesterday, while we didn’t go to work, we were not together. Not for the better part of the day. He was off in the woods. She was glued to the ‘Tube and I was busy with a little of everything. Yes, I made breakfast and then dinner. Yes, I paid bills. Yes, I even did laundry and tried to prop myself on pillows to enjoy my book.
But the truth is, I did it all without the kind of joy implied in “symphony of movement.” Without joy, and instead with anger, in fact. An anxiety for returning to work, a frustration over cancelled plans, and a cabin-feverish fervor.
Yesterday, we did find laughter in a favorite movie, but the truth is that it took a while for me to let go once he got home, long after dark. Long after the sauce had been rinsed from the last dish and the last sip of Sunrise was gone.
Yesterday, the car—my car alone—sat in the driveway. But the truth is, it wasn’t relaxing, wasn’t enjoying a day off-grid. It was taking a time out, with a nail in one tire, a slow leak in another, and the threat of a winter weather forecast on the horizon.
Yesterday, we stayed inside, and the truth is that the promise of a walk, a game of catch or fetch, nor the feel of the sunshine and Simon Says could conjure a cure for this angst. This feeling in the pit of my stomach that today had simply not gone the way I thought it would (even though I hadn’t given it much thought in the first place), and that I was running out of days where I was in control of the plan.
The even more brutal truth: I was never in control to begin with. Not of yesterday. Not of today. Nor of tomorrow. The plan was never mine to begin with.
Case in point: today we set out with a sketch of a plan, a list of to-do’s, and didn’t even make it through half. But we did sit down to a meal together, we did share a car ride to the city, we did play with the cousins and pass out New Year’s hugs, and we did make it back home safely on new tires. It was a much better day.
Why? The truth is, I don’t know exactly.
Yes, today was full of people, laughter, and love. But so was yesterday. And tomorrow, I’ll be back at home, reading and readying and enjoying every bit of the solitude (I hope).
Heck, even now we are in separate spaces, upstairs and down, inside and out. Today just has a different feel.
Yesterday was just tough. I’ve heard that some days are just like that. “Even in Australia.”
Ain’t that the truth.
Did you recognize the quote from Judith Viorst’s Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?